The B Word

There has been a common theme running through various parts of my life lately. It's something I struggle with on a daily basis, and through conversations with dear friends, listening to the people around me, and tuning into my own chaotic internal monologue, I realize this just might be life's Holy Grail: Balance.

The balance between friends, family, work, hobbies, taking care of yourself, eating, sleeping, etc. You name it. It requires balance. Time, energy, money, sacrifice, desire, motivation, willpower, creativity, passion...all of those things (and more) are required to keep all the balls (that's what she said) in the air. I don't how good I am at this. I think that having a child has tuned me into these things in a way that I just plain didn't understand before. That's not to say that being a mother, father, parent, or guardian means that you have more to balance, or that you are part of some special club that means you immediately and inexplicably know how to juggle. It just means that, for me, I finally started to take notice of all the balls I was not-so-gracefully tossing into the great wide open. It has also opened me up to realize that EVERYONE is doing the same thing. Hoping, wishing, willing, and praying that all of their amateur juggling isn't going to knock them on their ass. 

Back to me. Take this week, for example:

Sunday: Husband goes into work for a couple hours, I run errands with N. We have my father and brother over for dinner and football. All the while one of us is attempting to do laundry.

Monday: I work and then head out to meet one of my oldest and dearest friends for burritos bigger than our head and fast catch-up discussion about our kids, work, her nursing school, our families, exercise, BALANCE, and when we will get together again. 

Tuesday: I work, run home to walk the dog, pick up N from daycare, and then head to Punk Rope. Come home to passed out child and a husband who is late for band practice and trapped under the unconscious N. 

Wednesday: Work, run home to walk the dog, pick up N from daycare, attempt to throw together dinner while the child who never naps fights falling asleep. Eat with husband, crash. 

Thursday: Work, run home and walk the dog, shovel half the driveway of what the 100th snowstorm of the season produced, head to Punk Rope. Come home to a child who is punishing me for not being home enough this week, husband shovels rest of the driveway, we eat, then crash. 

Friday: Work (that's really getting depressing to type), drive out to Standish to pick up the napless wonder, along the way stop to get milk and a much-needed bottle of wine. Bring home sleeping child, veg for what seems like the first time in forever (husband is at band practice #2).

On tap for this weekend: Get up at some unGodly hour, drink coffee while obsessing over all that I need to do, yet refusing to do any of it for atleast an hour (this is a must for me). Groceries, then going to pick up my spunky and amazing 12 year-old sister-in-law for an afternoon of lunching, shopping, watching movies, and playing Wii. She will sleepover.  Sunday will consist of bringing her back home, squeezing in some laundry and family time, I am sure the husband will need to get a couple hours in at work.

All that. I/we did ALL that and still, there is SO MUCH MORE. The chore and house repair list is as tall as I am (if there were an actual physical list, which there is not), the dishes were in the sink for days until Super Husband did them before he left for BP #2 tonight, the dogs toe nails are way too long (not to mention my hair), I signed up for a 5K that is 1 month away and I have done nothing about training for it, I have a handful of the best, I want to eat-them-with-a-spoon, friends that I would love to lounge in my pj's with until we have talked this subject into dust, family members we haven't seen in way too long, projects that are half-finished, lists of dates for babysitters needed so I can go watch Super Husband on stage, doing what he loves so much...deep breath...I could go on and on.

If I am being honest, I probably only care about 1/4 of that list on a daily basis. Something will always suffer. I try to make sure that is never my husband, my daughter, my family, my friends, or my pets. Realistically, I know they will (and already do) even when I think I have it all on an even keel. My point is this: I do what I can, when I can, how I can. And I am happy. 

Is this balance? Damned if I know.

Excuses

There really are a million of them, aren't there? For everything. Why you haven't tried something, done something, finished something, said something, written something, eaten something, gone somewhere, etc. I have been thinking about these lately. Not because there aren't valid excuses, or that they don't have their place, but because I want to be conscious of them. I want to up my bullsh*t detector, if you will. And I mean with myself, not the people surrounding me (although that might not hurt either).

For instance, it took me almost 18 months after my daughter was born to take the plunge and join Weight Watchers and take my desire to lose weight seriously. I WANTED to get that last 20 pounds off, but we all know wanting something doesn't mean you get it. Work means you get things. Action. Commitment. Drive. Encouragement. I was tired. I had a newborn and then a toddler who was (and sometimes still is) a terrible sleeper. I had so many new and old things to balance in my life. I had a whole new set of emotions that came along with motherhood to manage. I had excuses. I did need that time to excuse myself for whatever reason, but I also needed to stop the excuses and take action. There is always a reason not to do something, but as being a mother has taught me in a way that nothing else could, time is passing us by. Minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, week by week. How I spend that time is completely up to me. What an amazing gift. One that I need to remind myself of more.

I love thinking of things that have scared the crap out of me that I just up and did and how rewarding it's been. I need to conjure up that feeling much more often. Like deciding to have a baby. Or applying for a CNA course and following it through to the end. Or quitting a sport that all my other friends played in high school because what I really wanted to be was a cheerleader. Or telling the boy that had chased me for 7 years that yes, I did love him, and he was right. We do belong together. 

So back to that bullsh*t detector. This is my reminder that excuses have a limited amount of time and space in my life. They can only be a crutch for so long, and then I'll call bullsh*t on myself. This time is mine and I want to use it wisely. No more excuses.   

Re: Goal Weight

This is something that I have been working towards since march of 2010. If I am being honest though, I should say that I worked on this very seriously from March until about October...then the holiday and cold weather excuses took up residence in my brain. I am not far off. It's something I was very close to and have inched away from with every bite of Halloween candy, drop of gravy on my Thanksgiving plate, extra glass of wine, and Christmas fudge that has crossed my lips. Along with my running sneakers slowly making their way under my bed and my snooze button being more tempting on the dark Winter mornings, it's clear that I need to renew my commitment to myself and get back on the wagon! 

So, what's the plan? I started attending Punk Rope Maine once a week last October and LOVE IT. They just added a second class on Thursdays, and thanks to the support and encouragement from that fabulous husband of mine (it's one of the days that N is at my mom-in-laws, which is a much longer drive for pick-up) I will go twice a week starting this week. I also just signed myself up for the Irish Road Rover on March 6th, which is supposed to scare me enough to save my sneakers from the dust bunnies. It's time to find myself some cold weather running gear!

It's also back to making smarter choices about what I am eating and also what we are eating as a family. I know I should meal plan for the week, and I know what's good for us and what's not, it's having the same things again and again that gets hard. It's the dreaded Food Rut. I want to try new things and make things ahead on the weekends, have our freezer stocked with homemade casseroles, etc. I find it difficult to add this into our already crazy weekends though. Tips and Tricks anyone? I'd love some new ideas.

So there it is, (the beginnings of) a plan. Watch it, dust bunnies!

What does it all mean?

Technically, I suppose, I have already accomplished 1 and 2 on my list (which will stay on the side bar permanently as a reminder to myself and whatever readers I may have). Is this cheating? I don't think so...and it's my list, so guess who's say matters? The List took me some time, and it's something I have been thinking about for a while. It's obvious that some of these things are much bigger undertakings than others, but that's the beauty of it. Take Flying a Kite for instance...I might do that 20 times between now and 35, but that isn't the point. It serves as a reminder for something that I have said I need/want to do, and in the chaos of daily life, haven't remembered to do it. So here I am, telling myself that these things, big and small, are important to me and WILL get done. I am a procrastinator, and it's not something I want to teach my daughter, and it's not something I want to call myself forever. This is step 1 (and 2!) of many in front of me. So far, so good....right?

The List

1. Make a 35 before 35 list
2. Start a blog about this list
3. Learn to bake bread
4. Run the Beach to Beacon
5. Donate my hair to Pantene Beautiful Lengths
6. Take a cooking class
7. Plant a garden
8. Make a decision with my fabulous husband about expanding our family
9. Train for, and participate in, a triathlon
10. Grow my own tomatoes
11. Take a dance class
12. Build a fairy house on Mackworth Island with N
13. Find a cause I am passionate about to volunteer for
14. Involve N in volunteering
15. Learn to golf
16. Move my family towards a more sustainable and organic lifestyle
17. Take a mini vaca with my mother
18. Take N to swimming lessons
19. Cook and host a holiday meal for my family
20. Cook and host a holiday meal for my friends
21. Learn to knit
22. Take a vacation ALONE with my husband
23. Make my goal weight
24. Reunite with the Roods cousins
25. Take N to see The Nutcracker
26. Watch Casablanca
27. Get a new tattoo
28. Participate in a "no spending" month
29. Fly a kite
30. Eat at Fore Street
31. Snowshoe
32. See a Broadway show
33. Have a yard sale
34. Make a baby book for Nora
35. Make a wedding album

The "rules":

These don't need to be accomplished in any particular order. I do need to write about it afterwards...sometimes before and during. I reserve the right to "tweak" any task, but not completely change it or take it away. If I don't accomplish all of it? Hmmm...I live in shame and take public lashings on this blog. Orrrr...I add it to my 40 before 40 list that comes after. 

Here goes nothing!