I realized after my last post (about a simple list of priorities), that it might seem odd that I totally left off the list the place I spend 40 hours a week. Or maybe it seemed like I don't have one of those pesky little things called A Job. Well, I do. I have worked in the same place for 13 years. THIRTEEN YEARS. And still, I left it off the list. When I wrote that post last week I was also in the midst of one of the more stressful and exhausting weeks I have had at work in a long time. And for a plethora of different reasons (which I will not bore you with) those kinds of weeks are going to be the norm for a while at work. We are prepping for big changes at my place of employment, and right now, there isn't an end in sight. The days are all-consuming, I leave with my head spinning, I have moments during the day where all I want is to hide under or behind something, and I desperately need a vacation. Yet it doesn't make the list.
I am sure the reason I overlooked it in that moment was because I was having such a crazy week. I didn't have anymore space in my brain for it, and I wanted to think about all the other things in my life. Overall though, my job and I have a complicated relationship. It's not fair to say it's THIS job either, I don't think. At this job, I have many co-workers who have become amazing friends, they have been patient with me and accommodating when I spent most of my 20's taking classes, changing my mind about schools, schedules and careers, they have supported me through huge life changes, deaths, personal upheaval, planning a wedding, having a baby, I could go on and on. That's what happens when you have been working at the same place since you were 19. So, my issue with leaving my job off a list of priorities has little to do with the people here, or what kind of place it is to work. I mean, nobody is perfect, no job is perfect. There are days when those co-workers, who threw me a lovely baby shower, and gave me some of the most treasured gifts we received for N, make me want to run screaming from the building. That's life. That's people.
It has to do with the fact that there isn't a time in my life that I can remember ever being able to answer the question "What do you want to be when you grow up?" or "What do you want to major in?" or even "What do you do?" seriously. I found it perplexing when I was a kid...what do you mean what do I want to be? Me. I want to be me, and no, I have no idea what career/job I want to slave away at for a large chunk of my life. What a ridiculous concept!
I just never found "that thing" that people speak of. A career/job/passion that fills me up and inspires me and makes me want to work there 40+ hours a week for the rest of my life. I have so much in my life that does inspire me and fill me with hope and passion, and makes me want to take part in it for the rest of my life, just not something that wants to pay me weekly and give me health insurance. For a long time this made me feel bad about myself. I felt like there was something wrong with me for not walking into Kindergarten when I was 5 and KNOWING that I wanted to be a doctor and that I would go to med school and someday become the Surgeon General. And the same goes for wanting to go off to college when I was 18 and study to be the most amazing middle school teacher on the planet. I have so much respect, and even envy the people who did, and who are still doing those things. I'm just not one of them. I still say I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I do love learning new things, and taking classes, and filling my brain, but again, none of that has made me feel like I want to make a career out of something in particular.
It's fascinating and frustrating to me that the first question people ask someone they have never met, or haven't seen in a long time, is "What do you do?". I wonder when people started being defined by what they do for work? Was it always this way? I am so many things, do so many things, and love so many things...why do people only care about where I work? Maybe we are too scared to ask anything else. Maybe anything else would be too personal. Or maybe you might learn something about a person that makes you uncomfortable. I don't know, but I, for one, think it's time we start asking each other something less tired and overused.
I am also well aware that without all the amazing people in the world who knew in Kindergarten that they wanted to go to med school, be a teacher, invent the next smart phone, cook amazing food, make beautiful music, or run the local food bank, that my life would be affected in a way I don't want to imagine. But I am sure all of those inspired people do and love loads of other things than their work. Maybe they would even identify with one of those other things more than what they "do". Maybe they would love it if someone asked.
My reality is that I need to work. I have a mortgage to pay, a child to raise, dinners to cook, a car to put gas in, vacations to take (soooon pleeeaaase) and health to maintain. Those aren't the ONLY reasons I work. I would choose to work in some capacity even if I didn't "need" it for all these other things. I work hard, I even take pride in what I do most days, but it's not where I find my inspiration on a daily basis. It's not where I fill myself up and think about solving the world's problems. It's not who I am.
Like I said, it's complicated.
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